The Empath and the Narcissist: A Co-dependency Trap
The match between the Empath and the Narcissist is one of our modern day ‘wake up’ stories about relationships that go wrong. We’re told that Empaths are very generous and highly sensitive to other people’s emotions. We’re also told that a Narcissist will take advantage of both the Empath’s sensitivity and their strong need to care for others. The outcome of the Narcissist’s emotionally abusive tactics can be an emotionally exhausted and traumatised Empath. However we need to be clear - not all Empaths are attracted to Narcissists. The thing that makes an Empath vulnerable to this abuse is Co-dependency.
In this post not only will I share with you the patterns of Co-dependency I’ve seen that make people vulnerable to this sort of relationship abuse. I’ll also share some ideas about how Kinesiology can help you to change your patterns and heal from relationship traumas.
What is Co-dependency and How Does it Make you Vulnerable to a Narcissist?
Co-dependent behaviours are entrenched in families that have strong patterns of addiction. I’m not only talking about drug or alcohol addiction, I mean any addiction – sugar and food, shopping, sex, shoplifting, even religion and rescuing others. The addiction is a compulsive behaviour that interferes with consistent, real, connection and intimacy in relationships. The addict may appear to need rescuing but may also be a compulsive rescuer.
In families like these love isn’t about equal give and take.
In families like these love looks like someone giving everything, the other person taking everything and it still isn’t enough.
Co-dependent behaviour patterns are not always easy to recognise. Often they appear to be just helpful, responsible, ‘nice’ things to do that look like love and keep life happy for everyone. However, there is a difference between behaviour motivated by love and behaviour that comes from a pattern of co-dependency.
Behaviour that takes a caretaker’s responsibility for fixing other people’s problems and makes excuses for them is not love, it is co-dependent.
Sacrificing your needs, boundaries, safety, your dreams and your happiness to keep a relationship going isn’t love, its co-dependent.
If you find yourself unable to walk away from a relationship because the other person is so wounded and you’re sure you can ‘fix’ them, what you feel is unlikely to be love, its co-dependent.
Co-dependent behaviour isn’t just learnt. Repeating generational patterns of people suffering trauma and using addictions as the only coping strategies they know has been found to cause epigenetic change. These changes in DNA expression result in inherited behaviour patterns and increased susceptibility to Post Traumatic Stress. A Narcissist is like an addict and fits straight into the co-dependent pattern. They are experienced as the missing half of the co-dependent Empath who is drawn to them like a magnet.
Here are some statements that have rung true for some of my clients who have worked on healing co-dependency. Give yourself a mental tick for any of them that sound like you:
My social circle diminished as I involved myself with the other person
Good feelings about myself depended on being approved of by the other person
My self-esteem was tied up in being able to ‘fix’ the other person or make them feel better
My interests and hobbies were put aside and my time was spent sharing their interests and hobbies
I was more aware of their feelings and needs than I was of my own
I realised that I valued their opinion and way of doing things more than my own
My fear of their anger/negative reaction/rejection determined what I said and did
My clothing and personal appearance changed to reflect their desires
I used giving as a way of feeling safe in the relationship
Resolve Trauma and Discover Yourself
It takes a lot of work to change co-dependent patterns. For my own growth I’ve used counselling, hypnosis, family constellations and more. They’re all valuable, but my personal favourite has been Kinesiology. There are common patterns, but the best way to work is found when we recognise that each of us have unique patterns that need to be addressed. With Kinesiology we can access those patterns by finding the old muscle memories which have been triggered. We find the specific emotion and reaction pattern for the person from exactly the right time.
Kinesiology uses a number of different techniques to accelerate healing. Below you’ll find some of the techniques I use. I’ve included some goals for healing, some ways that Chakra work can help and 3 flower essences I’ve found specifically helpful for healing the Co-dependent Empath.
Goals for Healing
The balance procedures I keep at my fingertips to help resolve co-dependent patterns include:
Clearing brain areas that hold post-traumatic stress patterns
Managing mental and emotional stress responses
Clearing confusion about who you are, what you want, and finding your purpose
Healthy boundaries, being able to say no and protect yourself without isolating.
Learning to name feelings, and developing reliable intuition
Chakra work
I do a lot of work in the Chakra System. There are 7 major Chakras and they hold blueprint patterns for all our emotional stuff. I’m planning to write specifically about each chakra in future posts because they are so important. In the list below you’ll see what each chakra is about and why they are so important for working with Co-dependence.
Base Chakra holds our family patterns around belonging and security.
Sacral Chakra is all about creativity, sexuality and having fun.
Solar Plexus Chakra is where we develop our sense of self.
Heart Chakra work helps us to live a live from love instead of need.
Throat Chakra work develops the ability to hear and speak truth.
Brow Chakra holds our ability to recognise patterns and change behaviour.
Crown Chakra holds the information we need to discover and walk our own path.
Three Flower Esseneces
Flower essences are very powerful yet gentle remedies that help us have insight into our behaviours and belief systems and support us as we change. I often use them during sessions and sometimes they are used to support the healing process between sessions. Each person has a unique path and a variety of essences that could be helpful but the three essences below are often used to help with changing co-dependent beliefs and behaviours.
Illawarra Flame Tree – when you lose your own way because you are trying too hard to please other people and have a strong fear of rejection
Five Corners – To learn to love yourself and not need someone else to help you feel complete
Geraldton Wax – Helping develop inner strength and being true to yourself. Learning to stand your ground without compromise instead of being manipulated by others.
More Help?
The good news is: Empaths have lots of qualities that will help them overcome any stuck co-dependant patterns and find their own path. It will take a commitment to find yourself and then keep growing, but the rewards are worth it so many times over.
If you would like do some of your work with me, you can book online or contact me to organise a time that suits you on:
0405 970 058
