Are you good enough?
How do you even measure that?
I recently decided it was time to confront one of my fears.
I discovered that I’m not the only one with this fear. In fact it seems I share it with about 75% of other people. It’s said to be one of the deepest and most common fears. It ranks up there with fears of death, spiders, flying and enclosed spaces.
It’s the fear of speaking in public.
I had been becoming increasingly frustrated by that feeling of tripping over my tongue and being lost for words when I’m put on the spot. I've been watching some amazing TEDx talks on YouTube and realised that have deep admiration for really good storytellers. Also I’m in a profession where, every day, I get to encourage others to discover their dreams and begin to live them.
So a couple of months ago when I saw an open invitation in my local paper to join a Toastmaster’s club I decided to take the plunge. I went along first as a visitor for a couple of weeks. I enjoyed some really interesting speeches. I met some lovely people and enjoyed that buzz of adrenaline that I realised was there because these ‘ordinary people’ were taking on the challenge of slaying their dragons.
The process of joining was easy, a bit of paperwork, a small fee, a welcome email. But then I saw my name appear on the program...
I spent hours and hours preparing, practising and memorising that first speech which lasted all of 1 minute. I loved preparing that speech and couldn’t wait to see how much my audience – the other toastmasters - would love it. I thought I would feel better about speaking after it was delivered. That’s what seemed to happen to other people. You could see the adrenaline build up, the excitement, nervousness, the fluttering as they started… increasing confidence as their speech went on and then the relief as they finished and we broke into applause to express our enjoyment.
But I didn’t feel better, I felt worse. I was ready to leave the club and never go back.
Luckily, as a kinesiologist, I’ve had a fair bit of training in observation, both of myself and my clients. So I sat down and began to analyse what was happening.
Firstly I had a lot of negative self-talk and self-judgement about the topic that I’d chosen and the way I’d spoken. I had paced nervously around the stage and could barely look anyone in the eyes while at the same time being acutely aware of any indication that they were reacting negatively. I cringed as I imagined what other people must have been thinking to themselves as I delivered what I now thought to be a stupid speech.
Secondly, my 1 minute speech was at the beginning of the program. Once I sat down, I spent the rest of the evening listening to other people deliver their speeches. As I compared myself to them. I couldn’t imagine that I could ever be as interesting, as funny or as polished.
And lastly I realised that I was so far down my rabbit hole of shame that I’d lost sight of the fact that I was at the beginning of the process of change. Any change worth working for will usually involve being prepared to be vulnerable and uncomfortable.
I realised that I was looking towards my goal and telling myself that I was never going to be smart enough, funny enough or good enough to achieve it. The more I did this the worse I felt.
I remembered to apply the advice I would give to my clients about a more positive, empowering approach. With this approach, instead of comparing yourself to your future goal, you look back at your starting point and compare it to where you are now. My starting point involved many experiences of tongue-tied mumbling and embarrassment. I can now compare those experiences to me being prepared to be vulnerable, put the work in and learn how to do things better in an incredibly supportive environment.
As I did this I started to feel better, instead of the shaming self-criticism and beating myself up I began to feel my courage and confidence building. If I admire other people confronting this fear, I can also consider admiring myself as someone who is willing to discover my dreams and put the work in to make them a reality.
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